My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
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Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.