Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
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One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music