I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
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Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Seems a bit forward
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Room with a view.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.