bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
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Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…