My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
You Might Also Like
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
hey, alexa
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco