Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
You Might Also Like
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
who wants to go expliring
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….