The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
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I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.