ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
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*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”