DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
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me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?