[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
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The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
They grow up so quick
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
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It’s Dublin.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.