“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
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I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Brother?
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
seems fine
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…