11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
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I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.