Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
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Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.