I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
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Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
We’re all getting idioter.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*