My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
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My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
The Sun
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.