Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
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I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”