FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
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Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.