Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
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Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.