Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
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Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Mornin
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither