“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
The three genders
Sometimes? I’m slipping
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Twitter is an abusement park.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby