not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
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Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
When I snag the last meatball.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!