According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
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If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
#Caturday
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent