You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
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I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what