At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
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I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Worst perfume name ever.