AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
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GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Another interesting #factupdates post!
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…