[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
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Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I feel seen.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.