Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
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Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.