Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
You Might Also Like
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.