When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
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1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”