Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
figuring out my emotional availability:
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.