If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
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“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”