He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
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TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
“Why you watching this shit?”
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Teach your children to beatbox
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday