My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
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Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Are you ok, human???
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.