When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
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“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.