starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
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If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
What a website
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.