As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
You Might Also Like
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Coffee is ready.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.