“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
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FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute