When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
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Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath