“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
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(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
the greatest twitter interaction
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show