Ice skating is like walking in cursive
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Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*