A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
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The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.