I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
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[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
#Caturday
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Ron is short for Aaronald
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.