[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
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You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.