When you let grandma cat sit
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I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
That toilet didnât deserve what I did to it today.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
COP: you canât hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I think she is an organ harvester đ¤đ¤ #tinder #tinderindia
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – đľ I really can’t staaay … đľ
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – đľ I have to go a … đľ
me – ok, bye!
Mid-flight turbulence is just godâs way of preforming confessions at scale
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Thereâs no problem you canât solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. đđđ
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, youâre going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Me: âOh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.â
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr⌠get it?
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Hmm, not sure about this change
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing âI made this for youâ her cards read âI made this f youâ. Iâd correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you thereâs pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep