The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
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my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Monday
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too