the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
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21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.