I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
You Might Also Like
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.