Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
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You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
mumsnet is amazing
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear