To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
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I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I’m giving up for Lent.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you