another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
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While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”